So I have been home these
past few days and reveling in the beauty of the Christmas movies that have been
playing nonstop on the hallmark channel. While I live for the heartwarming
messages, I cannot get over the fact that the movies all end the same way – “I knew
from the moment you were the one for me.” Okay, I love the mushy feelings, but
we talked about this already. How can you know from the first moment you
met that you’re in love?
You don’t.
Love doesn’t come first, in fact, love
takes quite a bit of time to grow and develop.
A few days ago a coworker
of mine was distraught that my boyfriend and I don’t exchange those three
little words. She was shocked that I moved from my home and comfort zone for him, that we live together, talk
about our future together – yet don’t say I love you. I won’t lie to you – she got
under my skin. In the moment I was able to tell her that it’s more than just the words, it's the little
things, like waking up with him and going to sleep with him or his conscious effort
to talk to me during every free moment he has during his 16-hour work day that make
me feel secure and special. But, during my last post… we
talked about the 3-month rule; that most people exchange the three magic words
after three months. It’s been about that, so she had me all confused on my way
home. She got under my skin, and it caused a bit of a stir between us. Enough
of a stir that I ended up sleeping on the couch. So, I started thinking… why is
that people are addicted to relationship drama?
One word. INSECURITY. Think about, we’ve all heard some variation of
the infamous words of advice: “the power in a relationship lies in the hands of
the person who cares the least.”
So, that’s what people do.
Instead of working together to build a relationship based
on honesty, respect, communication, and sharing life experiences with each other – people try
to play the less interested party. I understand that people do this to protect
themselves, but what they don’t realize is that they are destroying their own relationship.
What happens is they build an emotional void , one that can EASILY be filled
with an exchange of emotions and feelings towards each other, but who wants to
give in and be the weak one? That’s a huge risk. I hear you. There are probably
a handful of serious thoughts in my head that I keep to myself in order to not
seem like the “needy one” – I get it. But it’s not healthy, because instead of
speaking too each other people provoke their significant other to reassure them
and give them the validation that they need.
But why? Why start an
unnecessary argument. Moreover, why start an unnecessary pattern. If this
becomes the way two people rely on expressing their feelings for each other,
they have certainly laid the ground work of their relationship – and have
missed the point. Sure, one of them will be likely to drop the “love” bomb
during a provoked rant. Absolutely they will. because these moments and
scenarios generate a passion that’s unparalleled. It’s the same kind of passion
that you experience in the beginning of your relationship, where everything is
still somewhat mysterious. You don’t know where you stand, how they feel about
you – you know, that can’t eat, can’t breathe, check your phone every five
minutes feeling we talked about? It’s in those moments of passion when you’ve
provoked your significant other that those feelings come back - that moment
where you feel as though your other half might walk away, you feel like you
cant breathe. You feel as though you would fall apart if they walked away from you.
However, eventually – you get numb to these passionate feelings. Eventually,
the response you get from provoking your significant other is not at all as
powerful as it used to be. Then what? What happened to the commitment? Where is
the respect? The honesty? That’s the foundation of any relationship. That’s the
risk you have to take in order to make sure that when you do exchange those
three little words – that they come from a secure and honest place. That they
wont be dismantled by a new coworker or a night out with the boys. Because when
you say I love you, it’s after you’ve seen your partner in their best and worst
light and you choose to accept them anyway. You’re saying to them that you’re
committed to doing everything you can to secure and grow your relationship
together.
Several years ago, I used
to look at my parents and pray I didn’t have a relationship like they did. They
were complacent. Sure they exchanged kisses, I love you’s, traveled and had
date nights together, but there was never that “passion” or “fire” – spark if
you well. I look back now, and pray that the relationship they share is the one
I have the privilege to experience.
So the point of my rant… enjoy
your time together and don’t use other people’s relationships as a bench mark
for your own. No one knows your relationship better than you do. Don’t let
anyone fool you into thinking that you should remain closed off or that you
should try to be the powerful one in a relationship, not only will you harm
your relationship in the long run, but you’re not being true to yourself. And
in the end, you’re going to regret that. You’re an amazing version of yourself,
and to say it bluntly – if they can’t handle you at your worst, trust me when I
say they don’t deserve you at your best.
