So I have been home these past few days and reveling in the beauty of the Christmas movies that have been playing nonstop on the hallmark channel. While I live for the heartwarming messages, I cannot get over the fact that the movies all end the same way – “I knew from the moment you were the one for me.” Okay, I love the mushy feelings, but we talked about this already. How can you know from the first moment you met that you’re in love? 

You don’t. 

Love doesn’t come first, in fact, love takes quite a bit of time to grow and develop.

A few days ago a coworker of mine was distraught that my boyfriend and I don’t exchange those three little words. She was shocked that I moved from my home and comfort zone for him, that we live together, talk about our future together – yet don’t say I love you. I won’t lie to you – she got under my skin. In the moment I was able to tell her that it’s more than just the words, it's the little things, like waking up with him and going to sleep with him or his conscious effort to talk to me during every free moment he has during his 16-hour work day that make me feel secure and special. But, during my last post… we talked about the 3-month rule; that most people exchange the three magic words after three months. It’s been about that, so she had me all confused on my way home. She got under my skin, and it caused a bit of a stir between us. Enough of a stir that I ended up sleeping on the couch. So, I started thinking… why is that people are addicted to relationship drama?

One word. INSECURITY. Think about, we’ve all heard some variation of the infamous words of advice:  “the power in a relationship lies in the hands of the person who cares the least.”

So, that’s what people do. Instead of working together to build a relationship based on honesty, respect, communication, and sharing life experiences with each other – people try to play the less interested party. I understand that people do this to protect themselves, but what they don’t realize is that they are destroying their own relationship. What happens is they build an emotional void , one that can EASILY be filled with an exchange of emotions and feelings towards each other, but who wants to give in and be the weak one? That’s a huge risk. I hear you. There are probably a handful of serious thoughts in my head that I keep to myself in order to not seem like the “needy one” – I get it. But it’s not healthy, because instead of speaking too each other people provoke their significant other to reassure them and give them the validation that they need.

But why? Why start an unnecessary argument. Moreover, why start an unnecessary pattern. If this becomes the way two people rely on expressing their feelings for each other, they have certainly laid the ground work of their relationship – and have missed the point. Sure, one of them will be likely to drop the “love” bomb during a provoked rant. Absolutely they will. because these moments and scenarios generate a passion that’s unparalleled. It’s the same kind of passion that you experience in the beginning of your relationship, where everything is still somewhat mysterious. You don’t know where you stand, how they feel about you – you know, that can’t eat, can’t breathe, check your phone every five minutes feeling we talked about? It’s in those moments of passion when you’ve provoked your significant other that those feelings come back - that moment where you feel as though your other half might walk away, you feel like you cant breathe. You feel as though you would fall apart if they walked away from you. However, eventually – you get numb to these passionate feelings. Eventually, the response you get from provoking your significant other is not at all as powerful as it used to be. Then what? What happened to the commitment? Where is the respect? The honesty? That’s the foundation of any relationship. That’s the risk you have to take in order to make sure that when you do exchange those three little words – that they come from a secure and honest place. That they wont be dismantled by a new coworker or a night out with the boys. Because when you say I love you, it’s after you’ve seen your partner in their best and worst light and you choose to accept them anyway. You’re saying to them that you’re committed to doing everything you can to secure and grow your relationship together.

Several years ago, I used to look at my parents and pray I didn’t have a relationship like they did. They were complacent. Sure they exchanged kisses, I love you’s, traveled and had date nights together, but there was never that “passion” or “fire” – spark if you well. I look back now, and pray that the relationship they share is the one I have the privilege to experience.

So the point of my rant… enjoy your time together and don’t use other people’s relationships as a bench mark for your own. No one knows your relationship better than you do. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that you should remain closed off or that you should try to be the powerful one in a relationship, not only will you harm your relationship in the long run, but you’re not being true to yourself. And in the end, you’re going to regret that. You’re an amazing version of yourself, and to say it bluntly – if they can’t handle you at your worst, trust me when I say they don’t deserve you at your best.

Meeting the Parents

We have dated for quite some time.

We moved in together.

What else is left?

Obviously … MEETING THE PARENTS.

Usually, those three words are everything that a girl wants to hear; it means he cares and trusts you. Maybe… he even loves you!

But more importantly, when a man – NOTE I said the word man, not boy or guy – takes you to meet his parents, it’s a sign of showing you how serious he is about your relationship. Of course, this holds more truth if he values his parents’ opinion and if family is of utmost importance to him. Be that the case, a man will want to seek approval from his family, before settling down with you – he may need that stamp of approval to feel more comfortable and at ease with your future steps together.

Coming from a close family, I value that sentiment which is why I was absolutely terrified when my boyfriend suggested we stop by his parent’s house. Webster’s Dictionary defines terrified as “to cause extreme fear,” but it was more than that. I was petrified, anxious, nervous – having moved away from home, I missed the closeness of family. I was always worried about who to turn too if something was to happen to me. My boyfriend is gone for 16 hours a day, 8 of which he is unreachable. And making new friends is not always an overnight task, so wanting his parents to approve of me was just as much for our relationship, as it was for me. I wanted his parents to look at me as another daughter, a good fit for their son, and someone who brings out the best in their child. You know they say that in a relationship, there’s always a lucky one – I wanted his parents to feel that their son is lucky to have found the right one.

Lucky for me – I think I succeed. My boyfriends’ parents have, on numerous occasions, relayed to him how much they like me and have invited me to dinners while he is at work & call me to check in when doing their routine “rounds” on their children.

So here are my suggestions – take them with a grain of salt, because you should always remember to be yourself. There’s no greater piece of advice I can give.

Tip #1 - Be Yourself: OBVIOUSLY. so this one is a little bit of a tough one only because I believe that you need to be yourself, but you should never be dishonest or a pushover. You want his parents to get to know the real you – so while the phrases “please,” “thank you” and “my pleasure” should be used without question – you should never do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Or say things that you don’t believe; trust me, it will come back to haunt you. Your boyfriend brought you home to meet his family, because he likes who you are – the good, the bad, the ugly and the pretty. Remember that! And that is the person he wants them to get to know. Especially if you have talked about making a long-term commitment, your true colors will eventually come out and it will be worse if you hid a part of yourself rather than be honest from the beginning. We all want to be liked, but REMEMBER THIS: You’re not always going to agree with what they say or know what they’re talking about, but come across as genuine and you’ll find that your boyfriend’s family will respect you and care for you because you were yourself.

Tip #2 – Manners: I cannot drive this point home enough. But not just the first time you meet them; every time you see them. This point is especially important when it comes to your boyfriends’ mother who will have a hard time with the idea of another woman (other than herself) taking care of her child. Your manners will present you in a positive light and highlight your morals.

So here are a few detailed tips:

A. Learn A Little Bit About Them – my boyfriends parents love Cape May, NJ. Having spent several summers there - that was my go to topic in case conversation ever got awkward; which it did the first time I met them. However, it turned into a bonding experience as I sat down with his mother and she brought out old photos and magazines to tell me all about her adventures.

B. Be Aware of Cultural Differences – we live in America, everyone has a heritage and a religion. Your job is to tolerate and respect those differences. This lends itself the aforementioned tip about learning about the family, yes, but it also implies that you go out of your way to understand what practices are acceptable and which are not. For example, I am Persian and in my culture it is rude to turn down an offering of food. If my mother wants to put an extra scoop of rice on your plate, you better smile and take it. Little things like that will help bridge gaps, and make you understanding of your boyfriend’s background. You’ll find that it’s the little nuances that you’ll grow quite fond of.

C. Don’t Come Empty Handed, Always Be On-Time, and Offer to Help Out – please! I can’t stress how important punctuality is. I am late for everything, even work. But I refuse to be late to my boyfriend’s parent’s house because it’s disrespectful. But also, the first time you meet them, being late will only add to your already heightened nerves.

As for NEVER arriving empty handed, that rule applies each time you’re formally invited over for a meal or a holiday. And it’s absolutely polite to ask, but if your boyfriend’s mother says no (and mine does all the time) you still take something. Flowers, chocolate, dessert, a bottle of wine, or something as little as a spatula she was talking about from William Sonoma.

Also, always offer to help out. My boyfriend is Italian, and while I know they’re big on family and eating, my close friend who is also Italian told me that his mom will pay attention to whether I help clear the table and do dishes. Good to know, because after dinner I put the gloves right on and starting washing wine glasses. My boyfriend’s mother did stop me in the middle, by literally prying the sponge out of my hand, but she was able to see that I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.

Tip # 3: Dress appropriately – can’t stress this one enough either! Remember to be aware of where and when you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents. If you’re dropping by, going to dinner, the movies, meeting at the park – every occasion has a dress code and  you want to stay as close to those guidelines as possible. There’s no sense in wearing patent pumps to the park, because it’s going to make you look high-maintenance, just as there’s no sense in wearing sneakers to dinner, because it shows you haven’t taken the time to care about your presentation. Presentation, sometimes, is also about the respect level you show for other people – not just the respect you show for yourself. Remember to flatter your figure, and remember the idea that if you won’t wear it in front of your grandma, it probably shouldn’t be worn in front of your boyfriend’s parents.

These are the outfits I chose from…

Seven For All Mankind Jeans, Forever21 White Blouse, Ferragamo Flats, Charming Charlie Necklace, and a  Scarf from TJ Maxx.

Abercrombie and Fitch Skinny Jeans, Ann Taylor Wrap Around Sweater, Enzo Angiolini Heels, and a Charming Charlie Necklace. 

Forever21 Blazer, Target Blouse, Paige Demin Skinny Jeans, Tory Burch Flats, Target Necklace and Charming Charlie Cuff.

As always, thanks for listening to me rant. XoX Becca